When I wrote ‘Second Chance’ it was in truth a cathartic exercise. I asked myself ‘Did this actually happen to me?’ From wellness to illness and then to be given a reprieve takes some thinking about. Especially when I consider people who become ill and do not win the battle for life, I often asked why I was the one who survived and there were others who did not.
It is an interesting thought. We all lose friends and family, it is inevitable. At the time there are feelings of injustice, why him? Why her? Then we have to reconcile the loss, for some this seems to be an impossible task. It is the process of life and by accepting not fighting this inevitability we become more able to work through these difficult moments.
When I faced the almost inevitable conclusion that I was going to die. I looked at my family, friends and those unknown humans that passed by and realised that it was possible that these incredible connections would soon be closed to my eyes and ears. This is a dark and lonely place. This feeling of separation, it is like the connecting gap between your own being and theirs is widening.
The most difficult month was the December before my transplant. I had previously received two calls to go to the hospital as there were lungs available for transplant and on both these occasions it was decided by the team the transplant was not going to happen.
So I entered the darkest hour, the silent and reflective moments before the dawn. In this darkness I thought of the fact there had been two potential transplants and what possibility for a third? The odds were against me and, of course I was as always fully aware that a tragedy would have to occur for me to have a second chance.
In all probability I was not going to make it. My health was slipping and the equation was against me. You have to be fit enough to undergo the surgery and being as ill as I was the balance of possibility was quickly becoming weighted against me. If you wish to know what a condemned man is thinking in his final hours ask me, for I believe I know. It is a reflection upon all that has been before, the rights, the wrongs, the sadness and more than anything the happiness. It is the great moment of life which see you through. The poor moments are the ones which make you angry! The lesson learnt here has never left me and it makes me enjoy my life to the full, every second, minute and hour. Waste not one, because in the time you look back you will discover the moments you have wasted, arguing, fighting, making the wrong choices will be the ones that make your perspective of life change, and for many there is no possibility to make amends.
In this silence, darkness and despondency I realised that we have to go into deep and fearful depressions. We have to enter a place in the mind where our fears overwhelm our hopes. It is to me like the athlete who has two miles to go on his training route. All of his friends are enjoying their lives, eating what they like, neglecting their bodies and the runner is in the rain, the evening is setting in, its has been a hard day at work and here he is, alone, running and hurting, in training for a race that he may not win.
In my darkness there were guiding lights. Carol, my family and friends. They are the like stars in the sky navigators use. They draw you back, calm you down, pull you out of the darkness. I am certain we become stronger, more understanding when returning from the stillness of fear. Especially if we do not fight it, go with it see where it takes you. Strange thing is, fear becomes tired with those who do not fight it.
If you look back in life, see the good. Your inner bing knows all about the difficulties. Realise that to enter situations where anger or frustration is the outcome are wasteful of your life. Do not make excuses, move on, love what you have do not concern yourself with things you can do nothing about. I can write, not from a place of speculation, I can write from a place of certainty that happiness and love truly are the precious jewels. No diamond sparkles like life. No wealth can cure death. If you take one lesson from me today it is this. Enjoy your life and I mean life, breath, the world around you. Take advantage of what I experienced. Yes, it was difficult but I know this much, in your darkest hour, you are becoming stronger, not weaker. Night turns to day we continue our journey. Always give yourself a Second Chance.
If you click on the link to my book at the bottom of this page, you will be able to read the reviews. They humble me and give me an incredible feeling of well-being. Thank you all for downloading and reading my book. For those of you who want the paperback, please email me with your information and I will inform you when it is available. If you have any questions about fear or how to live with serious illness email me and it is possible I that I will post the answer on this WordPress site.
Live Well – Campbell